Blood for Dracula = Friggin' ridiculous

Alright, I did not know what I was getting myself into when I put Blood for Dracula on my Netflix queue. I knew that Andy Warhol was involved, and that there was probably going to be sexual overtones, but I was not expecting what I saw. First, Dracula is this pale, scrawny guy with a bad accent, who travels with his pale, scrawny male secretary to Italy (I think) to search for virgins to drink. Second, he finds a family of a gambling-addicted father, a money and status obsessed mother, and a young man hired hand who is only concerned with communism and banging as many of the four beautiful (and beautiful in this sense is defined as skinny, pale, reddish haired young women) sisters as he can. The three oldest sisters are either obsessed with sex (with the hired hand, or with each other, or some combination of the two (yes, that means that there are threesomes, or some weird combination of a sister and the hired hand having sex while a second sister watches, eating chocolates) ), or with kissing each other (yes, now I've implied insestial (not a real word) lesbianism). The youngest, being "fourteen" (the actress is clearly not fourteen), is the only one who is really innocent and non-corrupt, and therefore the only character worth giving a damn about.

Now that is pretty much the entire cast, so who am I supposed to care about? The fourteen-year old virgin. Okay. But in the end, there's just her and the hired hand, who end the movie by closing a back door of the mansion, so they're probably going to have hot, ridiculous, creepy sex after the credits role.

Alright, if that doesn't make the movie worthless, I'll try to look at its treatment of vampirism. The opening scene, I should have recognized, was an indication of the entire film. The opening credits show Dracula applying makeup and painting his gray hair black in front of a mirror. Then, the camera pans to show the mirror, and the lack of a reflection. So this movie starts out by giving a big "F*** You!" to the rules of vampirism. How can a vampire groom himself in a mirror? But it's kind of clever, so I laugh and accept it. It does, however, cost it a Suspension of Disbelief Point (SoD Point), which I'll explain in a moment. Then, after the basic plot is laid out, Dracula walks out into the sunlight to travel to Italy to feed on his virgins. Another SoD Point lost.

When I watch a movie like this, I usually give it somewhere between five and seven points of suspended disbelief (SoD Points). Every time the movie fails to suspend some of my disbelief, it loses a SoD Point. If it uses up all of its SoD Points, I stop caring about the movie. So, by starting out with the vampire/mirror contradiction, and the vampire/sunlight contradiction, it lost two SoD Points. But one of them was comedic, and actually made me laugh, so I didn't mind all that much.

But then, once the plot gets into full bloom, and I hear the word 'wirgin' (the pronunciation of the word virgin with their awful accents) every other word, and witness scene after scene of unnecessary nudity, or some form of rape, either at the hand of the hired hand (forcing the daughters to have sex with him, which they first resist, and then seem to enjoy) or at the hand of Dracula (who isolates one of the daughters, asks her if she is a virgin, and then tackles them and forcefully sucks their blood (which they first resist, and then seem to enjoy) ), I realize that the movie has used up more than its allotted number of SoD Points.

Need I continue? The acting is horrible. The dialogue is forced and unconvincing. By the end, when the hired hand realizes that Dracula is a vampire, I don't care anymore because any logic or rule (besides the "Booby Rule," which I'll discuss in a moment) is thrown out the window, I have stopped caring about the characters, their plights, and the movie as a whole. The "Booby Rule" seems to be the only real driving force of the movie, where each scene is either a build up or the scene itself where one or more of the sisters show their breasts and/or have sex with the hired had and/or each other.

Oh, yeah. And one more thing. At the end, when two of the older (non-virgin) sisters, who have been turned into pseudo-vampires, are trying to bring the youngest sister to Dracula, she runs to the hired hand for help. He explains what's going on, and then recommends that "...you should lose, that, uh, virginity of yours" so that Dracula won't chase after her. He then proceeds to force himself on her, which she initially resists, and then seems to enjoy, and then is caught by her mother, who breaks them up. Then, Dracula walks in, and laps up the remaining blood from the forced sex...I'm sorry if this is getting too graphic. It's the movie's fault, and I feel like it's my duty to splay it out like this.

So, yeah. Stupid, pointless, unnecessary, ridiculous, insulting and mind-numbing movie. Don't watch it. And I want to apologize for any incoherency in this post. I consumed a high-alcohol beer in the process of watching this film (which I think was crucial to me actually sitting through the entire film) so if some of my logic seems fuzzy or my sentences (and added parenthetical annotations) confusing, you have my deepest apology.